"When toxic parents feel bad, they often look for others to blame, and those others are usually their..."

When toxic parents feel bad, they often look for others to blame, and those others are usually their children. If you were made to believe that your parents’ feelings were your responsibility, you probably still believe that it’s within your power to “make” them - and often everyone else - either happy or sad.

Many experts on human behavior contend that you can’t “make” anyone feel anything - that each person is totally responsible for how he “chooses” to feel. I don’t think that’s true. I believe we do have an effect on the feelings of everyone we are connected to. But having an effect is not the same as being responsible for fixing those feelings. Just as you are responsible for finding ways to make yourself feel better when someone hurts you, your parents are responsible for finding their own ways to feel better when someone hurts them.

For example, if you do something that is neither cruel nor abusive but nevertheless makes your mother feel sad - such as marrying someone she disapproves of or taking a job out of town - it is up to your mother to find ways to feel better. It’s perfectly appropriate for you to say something like, “I’m sorry you’re upset,” but it is not your responsibility to change your plans for the sole purpose of taking care of your mother’s feelings. When you ignore your needs for the sake of your mother’s feelings, you are doing a disservice not only to yourself but to your mother, as well. The anger and resentment that you will inevitably feel cannot help but affect your relationship. And if your efforts to make your mother happy fail, you will feel guilty and inadequate.